The changes are not necessarily happening directly to me, but around me. As though my hive is a buzz with bees around it. Just in time for the holidays, 2012 is promising to start off on an entirely new foot.
When things change – people leave, jobs end, weather warms… it can feel as though I hardly have any control over any of it. Does everyone change but me? Am I just a cog in everyone else’s life? Especially when people leave, whether a roommate (even if I didn’t really like them, in this case I do) or visitors, it feels like I return home to a void; a hole that is physically present. That person, their energy, their momentum (even their negatives), create a giant hole. When this happens, I do one of two things – inherent to my personality. One – I must change my setting. It typically includes rearranging my room, cleaning the house and possibly rearranging the living spaces. Anything that makes it feel different to when they were there. The second thing I do is crave change for myself. I want things that perhaps have undue timing or get overly enthusiastic over something that otherwise would naturally evolve. I can’t help it though – it’s impulse… something as natural as being thirsty.
Another change happening to me is that I recently learned that my temp job will be ending as of Friday… not that I mind too much as currently the work is very drab and I’ve been craving some solid time to figure out my next steps. I’ve recently joined Pinterest and am blown away with all the cute Do-It-Yourself projects, so perhaps I can keep myself busy with crafty things, searching for the dream opportunity and frequenting coffee shops to apply for jobs. I know that times like this can be stressful – having gone through it twice already, I feel more prepared to deal with the muted stress of not having a solid direction forward. I more zigzag.
As 2011 nears to an end, it’s hard not to reflect on this past year, what it’s meant and how it’s changed me. I hope that once I have solid time to look forward, that the experiences I have had this past year have at least helped me discover more about myself to move forward in a way that I get to define. I need to start making the changes rather than having them happen to me.